Let them, let me?

This past month or so, I took a nosedive into the world of Mel Robbins ‘Let Them’ theory.

Having heard so much about this, I wondered what all the fuss was about and I knew I needed to find a way of changing my approach to life events that can cause stress.

Well… I have talked about it to anyone that will listen since, not in a pushy way, but explaining how much it has helped me. My brother commented at the weekend how ‘calm’ I was, and at one point I wondered if I had gone too much the other way and didn’t really give rise to anything!

The let them theory is an incredible tool, that delves into emotional response, our control and lack of control and how we approach situations. Whilst usually quite reflective and like to continually improve and evolve, this is not something I was on board with! Change?! Why should I change? I respond the way I do because of the situations, not because it's unreasonable!

That may be so.

But there is still an incredibly huge part we are missing here and that is that it is our choice HOW to respond, and if you are reading this knowing you can’t help it, you’ve always been the same and you respond in a certain way because it is ‘justified, then you may benefit from the let them theory as much as I have.

It is not a magic fix. It is not a stranger who has got all her shit together just preaching. Let me tell you, Mel is funny but also stress in equal measure, and I think it is seeing that she’s so similar that really resonated with me.

The person who is opposite to you, that procrastinates on everything, the one that never sorts anything, the one you so desperately want to help but don’t know what to do… the frustrating situations that you have to jump in and sort because let’s face it, no one else will.

All these… they’re in the Let them theory. It WILL change the way you think about and respond to situations for the better. I’m going to reference and summarise a part of the introduction that Mel talks about in her audio book.

When we react to others or a situation WE are the ones that feel the stress, the frustration. Ever noticed how quite often, others don’t seem as bothered as you? (even that is frustrating!).

The only person giving their emotional energy and feeling stress from the situation is YOU. What this does, despite us feeling that by having an opinion, jumping in, trying to own this, is give away our control. We are putting ourselves in a stressful or emotional state over something we don’t have any control over, so has no resolve, meaning we end up more frustrated, more angry and in a constant state of stress.

How about when you’ve wished so hard you could change the habits or behaviour of a loved one? I WISH they’d not play their music loud, or leave dirty washing right next to the basket.

It is not our right or our place to try to control another persons behaviour, thoughts or feelings.

And in hearing that I realised how self entitled I had made myself. Why did I think I could?

Let them.

Take the dirty washing example. You can express calmly, that you aren’t keen on the person leaving dirty washing and is there a chance they could put them in the laundry basket. They may listen, they may not.

It’s their choice. They are obviously not as phased by it as you otherwise they wouldn’t do it. They have a right to exist as their own person in their space. And after all, it is their space as much as it is yours.

Just as you have the right to live in yours. So, what to do if the situation doesn’t change? A person won’t change their behaviours unless they want to enough, and if they don’t?

Let them.

You have to hear the other part to the let them theory to know how not to completely lose your sh!t over this if it is the outcome.

Let me.

The ONLY way we gain back that control over our own emotional state and reduce that frustration is by how we choose to react. That is our choice, and one no one can take away from us.

In response to any situation like this where you are trying to control the behaviour, thoughts or emotions of another person, let them.

Then, let you.

You decide how to respond. You decide if it is worth your stress, your time, your energy.

Evaluate your situation.

You’ve been SO irritated by someone’s behaviour for so long and you constantly bring it up but they just won’t change.

Sorry. They’re not going to! It isn’t important to them!

So… Is this situation a deal breaker? Is this something that happens that despite everything else being fabulous, you can’t continue to live like this?

Or, is it something that you know isn’t important enough to warrant ending a relationship?

It's usually the second. For you, it might not be. Let’s assume it is.

IF, you have decided that its irritating, annoying and all consuming BUT it’s not enough for you to walk away, you have to let it go.

If you choose this, you are saying you accept it. It is not serious enough to steal your emotional energy, make you stressed and bother you more than it is bothering anyone else.

But you have to make peace with it, accept it and move on, because staying in that constant stress state? There’s only you that gives away your control and is bothered by it.

Once you have accepted it you are saying ‘I don’t like it but I have made peace with the fact that I love this person and the fact they leave their dirty washing on the floor is not significant enough to matter, and they are living the way they wish. I accept this is the person I fell in love with and it is not my right to try to change someone’

This is just one example of how the Let Them theory can help and it isn’t I can assure you, about becoming a doormat and letting everyone do what they want, it is about you appreciating you can’t control others, and the more we try unsuccessfully we get more emotionally bothered by that. It is about you taking back control for you. And when you feel in control, you feel less stressed, happier and appreciate of accepting others for who they are, knowing it is up to you how you deal with that.

There’s so much more to the let them theory and this is just one tiny chapter and example of relationships, when the theory contains information on so many more topics.

What I do feel (and this is the reason it’s my blog), is that this is an incredibly powerful tool to enable us to continue being ourselves, but better. I believe it is helping me to be a better leader, a better colleague and a better support to clients. It is helping me to appreciate and respect that others have the choice to do what they want to do, as much as I have the choice to do me.

It has helped me to analyse how I might further improve my approach to cultural change, persuasion and encouragement in the workplace.

Most of all, and I really am not joking here, by enabling me to gain back control of how I deal with and respond to frustrations, I think it has just stopped me having a heart attack at an early age.

It is a continual process, and one I, despite my initial resistance of ‘this won’t work on me!’ will continue to use, re use and share.

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is available on Audible https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/The-Let-Them-Theory-Audiobook/B0DFMY4N2X (and others) and is also available in paperback.

If you choose to embark on this journey yourself, I would love to hear from you!

Written by: Hayley Tollervey